awesome things today

• From a paper I was editing for a student: "to bring humanity to deserted zones."
• "Dusty Road (So Kind)" by DeYarmond Edison. (Think Neil Young/Emmylou Harris/Bon Iver).
• "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.
• Library books! (Joan Didion - Blue Nights, Ann Patchett - State of Wonder, Nabokov - Lolita).
• My therapist tearing up in happiness because I am so awesome at life.
• My temporary ratties! (Named - not by me - Remus and Sirius LOL FOREVER).
• SUN!!!1!1!!!!

hair dying for the lazy

I've dyed my hair various colors since I was...16? Maybe even earlier. I've had literally every color and hair style under the sun - black, blue, pink, purple, red, green, blonde, natural red, highlights, etc., etc.  So I'm pretty casual about my hair routine and I don't generally worry about getting a haircut or trying a new color. For the last few years, I've had green hair (I love green, it's kind of ridiculous. And it goes nicely with my skin and eyes. So I stick with that). I had a big green mohawk for a while, but after I cut that off, I started dying some streaks of green. My hair's pretty dark, so I obviously have to bleach it first. But other than that I don't really put too much effort into my hair dying, for this reason:

IT IS JUST HAIR. You can cut it off, grow it out, or dye it back if you don't like what you've done to it. It's temporary. Yeah, your hair can say a lot about you, but you can wear a wig, put it under a hat, wear a kerchief, or just ignore it. It's not like you cut off an arm or something. Just hair, guys. It's just hair. So don't be afraid of doing awesome things to it! Shave your head, grow it down to your butt, get an asymmetrical haircut, dye it a wacky color. It's pretty fun. And if you don't like it - it will go away!

Anyway, on to the how-to. Don't be nervous. Relax. Lie back and think of England. This can be fun! (Ok, that became a weird metaphor. ANYWAY.)

baking day: croissants and peanut butter cup cake

I had the day off on Friday, and I spent it baking! I love baking, but have been a bit remiss in my efforts lately. So I decided to make an old standby - croissants from my King Arthur Flour Baking Book - and a new recipe, a peanut butter cup devil's food cake from Bakerella.

The cake went really well. I made the devil's food cake by hand instead of from a mix, because I love devil's food and I'm kind of pretentious about cake mixes. I skipped adding the buttermilk (largely because a) I don't like buttermilk and b) I forgot to buy it at the store). For the frosting, I didn't add the peanut butter because I prefer more chocolate. It was DELICIOUS. Allen (boyfriend) ate like half the cake in one sitting. Because I am a genius.

Supplies! Yes, I did use both bags of Reese's.

Sifting the flour and the cocoa powder together. Getting the lumps out really makes a difference in the cake.

The finished mix. Delightful.

And the cake! Putting the Reese's on the top was the best part. After eating it, of course.

The croissants were a lot more involved. As always with yeast-based pastry. But this batch was the best I've done, I think. Using quality butter (wooo, Tillamook!) and letting the dough rise in the refrigerator overnight (rather than just the suggested two hours) makes the flakiness just unreal. Which is the important part in croissants. The best part was getting up a bit early to roll them out and put them in the oven, and then eating them hot out of the oven, in bed. Best day ever.

The risen dough, all ready to be rolled out into delicious croissant-beings.

Glorious! The square ones have chocolate in them!

More baking to come soon!

public school blues.

I work at a public high school in Oregon. Most days I love it. I run an after-school Tutoring Center and I'm also a college counselor three days a week. But increasingly, I'm tired. I'm tired of working at cross-purposes. I'm tired of public school bureaucracy. I'm tired of red-tape and not enough people to do a job. I'm tired of feeling like shit for not being able to provide my kids with the services they need. I'm tired of fighting for those services I do have. I'm tired of miscommunication and disorganization.

I want to take these people and shake them. It's so easy! We're here for the students! For the kids that don't have anything! That's why we're here! Not for our own glory or honor or selfishness. It's not about us. It's about them, and their futures, and dragging them (forcibly, if I have to) out of the horror that they live in. And reminding them that the way they live is not ok. That abject poverty and not having pants for winter and a single parent working two jobs with four kids and still only making $12,000 a year is NOT OK. That food stamps and fast food and going hungry some nights isn't the way it should be. I shouldn't have to sit here and try not to cry and tell them that yes, the college you've worked so hard to apply to is out of your reach because it is too expensive. Because you have to work to support your family and siblings. Because you're terrified to tell me you don't qualify for financial aid because you're an illegal immigrant and I might report you to ICE. Because your parents abandoned you and you don't know how you're going to get to school in the morning, much less where you're going to sleep or how you're going to eat.

I'm ashamed that I let children live this way. I'm ashamed that I can't give them all the wonderful support and opportunities that I had. I'm ashamed that I have to let them walk away because at the end of the day, in the final analysis, there's simply nothing I can do. I can't change these horrors, these awful lives. I feed them when I can and I give them pencils and folders and try to teach them about triangles and the SAT. I try not to let my coworkers annoy the shit out of me. I try to be here and available and friendly. But that's all I can do. It makes me angry and passionate and gives me purpose to try to fight and change things. But it also makes me tired.

And most of all, it makes me so, so sad.

introduction

I'm Natalie. This blog is mostly for me. It's going to be about many things, but mostly about my thoughts. Although I am not currently in school, I study military history and current military events. I like to think about technology, foreign policy, domestic military policy, American politics, nuclear policy, and 20th century national and political history, among other things. I'm sure I'll also post about work (I work at a public high school), my life in Portland, being a 20-something, and my beliefs and values. I've never kept a truly public blog, so we'll see how this goes. Welcome!

Please remember before you comment or email me: all the opinions on this blog are just that, opinions! I try to fact-check and provide sources for all of my opinions, so please be polite and reasonable. Thank you, internet friends!