public school blues.

I work at a public high school in Oregon. Most days I love it. I run an after-school Tutoring Center and I'm also a college counselor three days a week. But increasingly, I'm tired. I'm tired of working at cross-purposes. I'm tired of public school bureaucracy. I'm tired of red-tape and not enough people to do a job. I'm tired of feeling like shit for not being able to provide my kids with the services they need. I'm tired of fighting for those services I do have. I'm tired of miscommunication and disorganization.

I want to take these people and shake them. It's so easy! We're here for the students! For the kids that don't have anything! That's why we're here! Not for our own glory or honor or selfishness. It's not about us. It's about them, and their futures, and dragging them (forcibly, if I have to) out of the horror that they live in. And reminding them that the way they live is not ok. That abject poverty and not having pants for winter and a single parent working two jobs with four kids and still only making $12,000 a year is NOT OK. That food stamps and fast food and going hungry some nights isn't the way it should be. I shouldn't have to sit here and try not to cry and tell them that yes, the college you've worked so hard to apply to is out of your reach because it is too expensive. Because you have to work to support your family and siblings. Because you're terrified to tell me you don't qualify for financial aid because you're an illegal immigrant and I might report you to ICE. Because your parents abandoned you and you don't know how you're going to get to school in the morning, much less where you're going to sleep or how you're going to eat.

I'm ashamed that I let children live this way. I'm ashamed that I can't give them all the wonderful support and opportunities that I had. I'm ashamed that I have to let them walk away because at the end of the day, in the final analysis, there's simply nothing I can do. I can't change these horrors, these awful lives. I feed them when I can and I give them pencils and folders and try to teach them about triangles and the SAT. I try not to let my coworkers annoy the shit out of me. I try to be here and available and friendly. But that's all I can do. It makes me angry and passionate and gives me purpose to try to fight and change things. But it also makes me tired.

And most of all, it makes me so, so sad.